July 31, 2014

Enough

There are many other posts that should come between April and today, but those will come another time.  For today I need to write down my thoughts.

My word for this year is enough.  I had almost forgotten about it in the last couple months, but have been thinking about it this week and realizing that I had been learning even while not thinking about it.  So many times in the last 7 months I have stopped and realized that I have had enough of something and needed to let it go.  Or realized I needed more of something to feel like I had enough and had to work to find balance.  Mostly I have begun prioritizing the important things, and letting go of the unimportant.  Sometimes my energy doesn't last all that long and I have to decide that I have done enough and everything else has to wait. 

I am a perfectionist.  There are so many times I will push myself to the brink to get something 'right'.  A 'right' that only exists in my mind about the way I have decided something has to be. Sometimes it will take redoing it two or three times to be satisfied.  In some areas, that is good.  It is satisfying to get something done well.  In other areas, it just takes away from my time with more important things and in the end, doesn't really matter to anyone but me.  I have been learning to let go of those 'right' ideas and be happy when something is finished, whether or not it turned out exactly the way I wanted.  I have had to let go of unfinished projects.  The chairs got done, but the table will probably have to wait until next year.  It is enough that we all fit at the same table now and that my kids aren't sitting on gunky stained old chairs.  The garden got done, and even though we have had problems with compost being too hot and endless problems with pesky annoying birds, we still have some vegetables growing and the kids are enjoying seeing them mature.  It is enough.   I tore apart a blanket that wasn't quite perfect with the intentions to fix it, but now have run out of energy to finish it.  I should have been enough. lol 

And now that Adam is working out of town and I have the kids 5 days on my own each week, I have had to adjust my expectations for what I can do again.  There are some things that just can't get done 9 months pregnant and with 3 kids in tow.  When they call for a showing, the house doesn't get nearly as clean, and I just have to say enough has to be enough.  If it is meant to sell, it will sell whether or not I got to the baseboards.

When Adam started his new job, I asked him for a blessing as we started this new phase of life for however long it will last.  I was promised that it would be easy, with the caveat that easy is a relative term.  I have seen that promise already.  My kids have been really helpful, the siblings squabbles have been at a minimum, and as I have learned to let go of the unimportant, it truly has been easy.  We do a few chores each day to keep up with the daily things that need to be done, but other than that we have enjoyed the time together and just being together.  The kids talk to their dad every day, he sings them a bedtime song, and we pray together.  

Then yesterday happened.  two days ago, I made the mistake of buying a dresser that needed to be brought into our house and I had no help to bring it in.  I live in a split level, so it had to come upstairs one way or another.  I almost left it in the carport, but it was raining, so against my better judgement, I did it myself. (The carport should have been enough until I could ask someone for help) I paid for it with strong contractions 5 minutes apart that night for 2 hours before finally getting them to stop with ice water, laying down, and putting it in the Lord's hands.  I have also been promised that I would carry Grace to term, but I know doing something dumb can null and void any promised blessing with my bad decisions.  Thankfully it didn't come to that.  The next day I had an appointment with my doctor, but Charlotte had had a fever for a couple days and I didn't want to get anyone sick. I cancelled it, but after so many contractions, I felt like I needed to keep it.  My visiting teacher came to my rescue and brought her kids over to play with mine while I went.  I had dilated a bit, but nothing concerning. It was reassuring to know that labor wasn't imminent, but I now knew that I needed to let go of even more things and just let enough be enough. 

In the afternoon, Charlotte woke up from her nap looking listless and shivering.  Her fever was still hovering around 101, but it had been three days and her hands started to look a little blotchy like her oxygen levels weren't great.  She had also not had a wet diaper in several hours. We hurried to get in the car and headed to the quick care.  She had similar symptoms last year with just a fever and acting listless.  When they tested her, her white blood cell count was scary high and she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, so I wasn't messing around.  He took a look at her and saw that she had spots in the back of her throat, something I had missed because she wouldn't open her mouth for me enough to see.  The rapid strep test came back negative, but he was confident that it was strep anyway and wrote the prescription for antibiotics.   Because we were there for two hours, she missed her dose of Tylenol by an hour and even though we gave her some when we got back home, we had run out of Motrin and the Tylenol just didn't do as well keeping her fever down.  She was okay when I laid her down at 7:30, but by 10, she woke up screaming.  When I went in she was burning up.  The first temp I took was 104.7.  Scary high.  I immediately gave her some more Tylenol and said a prayer.  I stripped her down and wiped her down with a wet cloth. I took her temp again 5 minutes later as I started getting ready to call someone to come sit at the house with the boys while I ran with her to the ER, but it had already started to drop.  103.4.  Having been here before with one of the boys, I knew that if I took her in, they would give her a second dose of Tylenol and see if that worked, so that is what I did. I sat by her side and prayed and tried to decide if it was worth waking someone up to come give her a blessing. 

There has been a lot of controversy lately about women and the priesthood, with a few women saying they should be able to be ordained.  It is something I don't understand because I feel like I have just as much access to priesthood blessings as my husband has.  As I sat on the couch with my daughter staring at me out of fever filled eyes, I knew I had just as much right to use the priesthood as my husband.  I remembered the story about a woman laying her hands on her ox and blessing it to be healed.  I didn't lay my hands on her, but I used the same power to pray over my daughter that she would be healed and brought comfort, yhat the medicines would work and that the Lord would facilitate everything for her to feel better.  As I have many times when my children are sick, I remember my mother telling a story of when I was little and had a high fever.  There was no access to a doctor and my father was out of town as well.  She knew that if God could reach out and touch stones and light them through the faith of the brother of Jared, then He could reach out and touch me with healing, which He did.  He did it again last night as my daughter's fever came down and the medicine worked.  It would not have been any faster or worked any better had my husband been here to give her a healing blessing.  I do not need to be ordained to call on the blessings of God through the priesthood.

By morning her fever had broken and she was feeling much better.  She had finally had a wet diaper accompanied by a complete blowout, but I was happy to clean it up, knowing it meant she was finally hydrated enough and doing better.  Many prayers of thanks will be coming from me today.

Yesterday was one of those relatively kind of days.  I know that it could have been much worse.  At every pass when I needed something, someone was there to help, from my visiting teacher, to my doctor, to the quick care doctor, to the medicine, to prayers on our behalf, to offers of help today.  The Lord provided everything I needed to get through.  I wouldn't say it was easy, but I can say it was relatively easy, given how hard it could have been.  We are truly blessed with enough.