October 30, 2010

Halloween 2010

Since Adam and I now head up the activities committee, we were in charge of the trunk or treat this year as our first activity. We set it up to be with the other ward in our building and everything was set to go. And then the rain came. And no one with a key to the building came. Sigh. Finally someone called someone who had a key and she open up the building for us so we could get the kids in out of the rain. It was fun and I think all the kids has a good time.

Gabe was super excited about his lollipop.

Porter didn't want to wear his head even in the rain, so he got pretty wet.
I had some fake feather eyelashes that I was going to wear, but in the end, the glue didn't work, so we improvised with a plan B and I borrowed Adam's horns from last year and went with some undead makeup and crazy hair.
We didn't look for Adam's go-to costume ahead of time and in the move, it must have gotten packed away somewhere that hasn't been unpacked yet, so we went with plan B for him too and he went as a mountain man this year. Looks pretty good if you ask me.

October 29, 2010

UARS

Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome.

The result of my overnight sleep study at the sleep lab. This article explains it and reading it was eye opening for me.It explains a TON of my symptoms. Migraines, depression, weight gain, fatigue, sinus headaches, sinus infections, long lasting infections of all kinds, cold hands and feet, dizziness/lightheadedness, difficulty swallowing, constant stuffy/runny nose, crazy dreams. I had no idea so many were all related until I read this. I have always felt like my throat was too small, even after getting my tonsils out and I always feel like there is something stuck in my throat making it hard to swallow. This explains it.

http://doctorstevenpark.com/sleep-apnea-basics/upper-airway-resistance-syndrome

It was not a pleasant night's sleep. In fact, I can't recall too many worse. I was hooked up to a load of wires. The room was way too hot. The woman next door was snoring LOUDLY all night despite sound barriers/soundproofing in between the rooms. There were two cameras watching me try to sleep as well as a microphone picking up every noise, making me think about things like passing gas or talking in my sleep. The bed sat so I was sleeping on a side I am not used to. Every time I rolled I got tangled up in all the wires. The technician had to come in once to untangle me. I couldn't see a clock to see what time it was which bugs me to no end. There was a green light over the bed that flickered every time I shifted. I sleep with my hand by my face which intermittently glowed red from the oxygen monitor on my finger. I finally asked if there was any way to cool the room down and he put a fan inside for me to use. It helped move the air a bit and the sound drowned out a bit of the snoring from the other room. Just the thought that I really needed to sleep so that they could do the study was enough to keep me awake for quite a while.

Just about the time that I was really getting into solid sleep, it was time to get up and on my way to work. One of many days that I am super grateful that the boys play so well together and are really good. They didn't seem to mind that I have been off my game today and little slow. Now I just have to wait for Adam to get home so I can go shower and get all the gunk from the monitor wires out of my hair. Its water soluble, but since they don't have showers there yet, I have solid chunks of gunk in my hair for the day. Hat anyone? Oh and don't forget all the sticky spots from tape to keep the wires from pulling off in the night.

But, if in the end, I can do something about this and get a better night's sleep every other night, thus helping or eliminating all the other symptoms, then one terrible night's sleep was very worth it.

October 26, 2010

Halloween fun

Its nice that all the boys are still young enough not to insist on carved pumpkins. I really had no desire to get all messy this year and luckily all the boys were excited to create faces for their pumpkins by themselves. This was the end result and they all look great! Awesome job boys!



Porter's
Gabe's





Bacon donuts

This last weekend was kind of rough for me so my amazing husband sent me downstairs to give me a break and he made a surprise for me; bacon donuts. It may not sound incredibly appetizing, but let me tell you, they were delicious. Cake donuts with crispy bacon in a sweet glaze and all homemade. He did a great job and it really warmed my heart that he went to so much trouble to brighten my day.


October 16, 2010

A pirate, a pirate, a pirate says.....Argh!

Porter and Gabe were invited to a birthday party today with a pirate theme. Porter loves his new accouterments.




October 15, 2010

Beep Beep!!

Gabe loves beeping noses, his or someone else's. He has learned to say it now and it is adorable to watch him ask for it. :)

October 12, 2010

October 08, 2010

Once in a blue moon

Warning; this post deals with a subject that is fairly sensitive. Normally I wouldn't publicly post something of this nature, but if no one talks about it, how can it be stopped, and how can we heal? I think one of my gifts in life is being able to talk, and if I don't use it for good, what use is it? Hopefully this will bring about good, which is my intention.

Every once in a blue moon I think about my personal history. Specifically abuse. I have worked through a lot of my past in the last several years. I feel that for the most part I have left it in the past and only rarely think of it. But then, I have a dream like I did last night and realize it will never be entirely gone. Even just saying 'it' instead of abuse lets me know I still have a hard time with the thought. I still have a hard time calling it rape. I put myself in that situation as an adult and truthfully I can understand the guy thinking he was invited to begin with. However, I still feel raped. I can still hear him saying afterward, "So, what do you think of your covenants now?" ** I was set up on a blind date with this man who was not a member and not familiar with lds beliefs. I had told him on our first date why I didn't believe in premarital sex and referred in general terms to the temple covenants I had made, which he seemed to grudgingly accept. He stilled pushed that night for kisses when he dropped me off, but seemed to be fine with my saying no. It was the second meeting when I went to his house to pick up a board game that I had forgotten when things went wrong. I had felt prompted that I should just leave the game and not go back, but I talked myself out of it. Never ignore promptings. Never.

I still remember him calling me a week or two later to ask to see me again. Acting like nothing happened, like nothing of consequence occurred, when it seemed like nothing would ever be the same in my world. He was that sure that he was 'the man'; that I had loved it. Makes me shudder just thinking of his massive ego. Shudder to think that I ever placed myself in the path of someone like that.

While in reality it was only six years ago, it amazes me that it feels like a lifetime ago. Almost like it happened to someone else - the pain is that far gone. I don't feel that ache anymore, I don't feel guilt/responsibility anymore, just sorrow that it happens to anyone. I am a bit in awe right now, realizing that it truly doesn't pain me anymore. Truly.

I remember as a kid having someone call and ask for a babysitter and then proceeding to say all kinds of vile/explicit things to me. That memory sometimes pops up out of nowhere and I wonder why I didn't hang up right away, why I never told anyone about it. Shock was probably what kept me from hanging up the second he started talking, but why did I feel guilty when I was only twelve and it wasn't me saying nasty things? Why did I hide it like I did something wrong? Why did it take me to adulthood to realize it wasn't my sin and let it go?

Most days I don't give abuse a passing thought. It doesn't have much to do with my current every day life. But it is never completely forgotten. I know that I am much stronger now. In my dream I fought back, even biting and yelling, something I wasn't able to do in real life, either as a child or later as an adult. It lets me know that I have definitely made progress, but having the dream in the first place also lets me know there is still progress to be made. I have finally moved past my hair issues and can either cut my hair or let it grow without thinking about what my childhood abuser would think, but I still do a personal check of my feelings every time I go to the salon. I still start when I see someone out of the corner of my eye that looks similar to either abuser.

There are lessons to be learned from looking back. I think that is one reason I will never completely forget. This week I think I needed to be reminded how truly strong I really am. There is strength untapped in all of us and I needed to remember that I can handle the world with God by my side. And because talking about it may help someone else who is struggling with self-worth because of something they have no control over. Someone needs to be a voice for all those that don't have one. For all those that have suffered and are suffering in silence. If more of us speak out, we can make a difference. There is hope. There is healing. There are good days ahead and one day you too can look back and see how far you've come. Don't let it define you. Let it REfine you. I hope that I can continue to let the memory refine me and make me a better more caring person.

Overall, I am pleased with the person I have become and am becoming, but it saddens me that it came at this price. I hurts my heart that anyone has to pay this price in life. I understand the need for agency and I understand that we are all human and make mistakes, some much bigger than others, but it doesn't make it much easier to deal with the aftermath of people's bad choices. I am so grateful for an amazing support system that helped me through the worst of the trauma and for loving friends and family. I wish everyone had the support I have had. Even with support it was a hard road filled with mistakes and bad choices while I navigated the maze of my own feelings. But I came out the other end.

I am incredibly grateful for a husband who heard my history while we were dating and pretty much took it in stride. No deal breakers for him. I am so grateful that he is always there, always kind, always supportive of anything I need. His love and acceptance, more than anything, has been so healing for me. There are not words enough to tell how much I love my man. :) Amazing husband, incredible father. All around great guy. Love, Love, Love.

If anyone reads this that needs someone to talk to who knows how you feel, please feel free to contact me. No one should be on their own through the healing process. Know that even though it will never be something you forget, it does get easier with time. It may not ever be totally gone, but the hurts diminish. I am still healing more and more even years later, but I am SO much better now and I expect to continue getting better as time goes on. Time may not completely heal all wounds, but it does really help.