September 20, 2010

Some days the devil wins

Most days I am pretty positive and I try to look at the hopeful things in my life, the opportunities, the amazing people, the blessings, etc. Then there are days like yesterday when I woke up depressed and stayed that way most of the day. Nothing is right with the world, every decision is a bad one and my outlook on life is bleak.

Two things I struggle with all the time directly affect my self esteem. My personal appearance and my finances. Because both are directly linked to my own decisions there is no one to blame when either is not what it should be. Both are struggles for me right now.

We are trying to get debt free again, but it seems that not only does something come up every time I think we are making progress, but I also make unwise decisions occasionally that set us back. Sigh... Not that we have a ton of debt compared to most people. We have relatively little when it comes down to it. But having been debt free before, I want that feeling back again. I want to just make one huge payment and have it done, which isn't really feasible for a couple reasons. Anyway, I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure our budget stretches each month as far as it needs to and lately I don't think I have been doing a great job. It weighs on my mind. Every dollar needs to stretch farther and I need to make that happen.

My appearance is also something I really struggle with. It has been an ongoing and losing battle the last year trying to lose the weight from my last pregnancy. I would never trade my precious son for the weight I have gained. I would take on a ton more to get him, but I hate not liking what I see in the mirror and feeling like nothing is working to change it. What I see in the mirror has a direct correlation to the decisions I make every day and yet, I find it really hard to do things differently, no matter how much I want the image to change. It feels like I have tried just about everything. And it isn't that nothing works. Lots of things work, at least in the short term. But nothing works to the point that it is something I can incorporate into my life long term. I know that my body isn't meant to by skinny. I have never really wanted to be skinny. But normal..... That is my goal. Normal. The getting there, or not getting there really, involves a vicious cycle of self hatred and guilt that tears me up inside some days. Those are the days that the devil wins. He succeeds in making me hate the one thing he can't have. I am sure he laughs it up wherever he is when he gets people to hate themselves. And when I hate my body, I set out to destroy it without even realizing it. Eating things that will destroy my body from the inside out. On the outside, I just enjoy food. On the inside, when I really sit back and look at the why of my eating patterns, it is a really sad picture. No one gets to my weight just because they have 'big bones' or whatever other excuse people use. I may not be meant to be skinny, but I am certainly no meant to be obese either. Pregnancy may have gotten me here, but my own decisions have kept me here. And only my own decisions will change the image in the mirror.

So, yesterday, it all hit me hard. I asked Adam for a blessing and then basically hid from the world the rest of the day. I am so grateful for a husband who, although he may not understand fully my struggles, fully empathizes with my pain and just took over for the day, letting me work through everything I needed too. He listened to all my ramblings and worries and let me unload on him. It really made such a difference to me. Just getting out of my own head and saying things out loud made such a difference for me. And he did all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen so I didn't have to do it today. He got the kids ready for church, took care of them during sacrament while I was on the stand with the primary, kept them busy the whole rest of the day and gave me some time on my own to think, rest, relax, and regain my mental equilibrium. I can't thank him enough. I don't deserve him and I am so blessed to have him and my two amazing boys. They make life worthwhile and put a smile on my face even in the worst moments.

Today is a much better day. I woke up feeling hopeful again, knowing that I am up to the tasks in front of me. I know that weaknesses are given to us to make us strong and I just need to keep that in the forefront of my mind. These weaknesses will eventually become strengths and I just need to be patient with myself for the journey. It won't happen in a day, but I have overcome other things that are just as hard if not harder, and I can do this too.

My apologies to anyone who finds this too much information. I just needed to get it down. I think it is important when my kids are old enough to read this that they know that life isn't made of only the good days. I want them to know that everyone struggles and that everyone has bad days. No one gets through this life without a few, if not many, rough days. Its what you do with them and how you get through them, that is important. Hopefully I can show my kids how to overcome life's challenges instead of letting life's challenges overcome me.

September 17, 2010


We were very sad when our old computer bit the dust...well, I was, Adam not so much. He has been looking to get a new computer for a while and we were just really waiting for our old one to die. Die it did and he started looking for a replacement. Lucky for us a bonus came along at just the right time and we were able to get a new one. It works great and Adam loves the screen size. I am just happy to have it, or will be once I get all the software I had on the old one installed on this one so I can do the things I like. We are hoping the new power supply unit we got for the old one fixes it so we can get all our photos and documents off it, wipe it, and then maybe sell it to someone, but even if it doesn't, I am glad I have my blog that has all the best pictures on it and a full memory card on my camera. I would hate to lose those memories. For now, it is late and I will be heading to bed now, but I should be able to get some updates up on the blog soon. For now, enjoy the video of the boys. :)


This is how the boys entertain themselves. Its a good thing Gabe enjoys it too. :)

September 06, 2010


Sorry there haven't been any posts lately. Our desktop computer had a meltdown and it took a bit to fix our laptop. We are now trying to decide just how much we want to put into a new computer if at all. Any recommendations?

Anyway, nothing much going on here. We are back into the school year so things have gotten quite a bit busier for me. I love having the boys all playing together, but they can be a handful too. We are trying to get Porter interested in potty training again so he will be able to go back to preschool in a month or so. So far he doesn't really care too much one way or the other. He doesn't understand yet that he really won't be able to go if he isn't. If he doesn't get there, it will be one very tough day for him watching the boys go without him. I hope it doesn't get to that point.

Everyone has had one sickness or another this week, so we aren't doing anything special for Labor Day weekend, but hopefully all our families are having a good time for us. We love you guys and miss you all! :)